


Cross my heart and hope to die

by LiStrange (orphan_account)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: (two words), Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Break Up, Established Relationship, F/F, Fever Dreams, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Mild Language, Night Terrors, POV Pamela Isley, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self Confidence Issues, Trauma, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 11:29:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19767280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/LiStrange
Summary: The only thing that Pamela Isley had wanted was to rest and sleep through her fever. Her subconscious, however, seemed to have a better idea and instead of letting her get away with what she wanted and needed, it chose to make her revive her past traumas and experience her deepest fears as vividly as possible.





	Cross my heart and hope to die

**Author's Note:**

> I had originally posted this story one/two days ago but then deleted it since I wasn't quite pleased with the result. So, after some editing and major changes, the story is here once again. Please read the tags before adventuring the fanfic.

“Red, I want to break up with you.” 

The sudden words, which were nothing but a demolishing statement, stunned me to no end and left me paralyzed right where I stood, feeling as if Harleen had brusquely slapped me across the face. My heart shrank painfully as I tried to say something, anything at all, despite being at a complete loss of words. I was overwhelmed by doubt, disbelief and fear all at once in a matter of seconds, aching to know what I had done to end up like that.

“I’m in love with my Puddin’, an’ I don’t think anythin’ will ever change that. I’m so sorry.” For whatever the reason, her apology sounded forced and practiced, untruthful through and through. Tears stung my eyes as my entire body began to tremble uncontrollably. _“B-But you told me that you were over him. You said that you wanted to be with me, Harl… Please tell me that this is all a crass prank.”_

 _“Learn to behave yourself, Pamela, or else nobody will want you nearby in the future because of your… Obnoxious shenanigans.”_ My mother’s harsh words echoed throughout the depths of my mind as I took some steps toward Harleen. The blonde looked at me with harsh eyes, something resembling pity sparkling within them, before sighing and shaking her head.

She quickly grabbed her backpack, so full of her belongings that it couldn’t be closed properly, shot me one last look, _“Harls, please, don’t leave me. I’ll do anything, please, I’m begging you,_ ”and disappeared through the door of our shared dorm. _“Come back… Please!”_ After staring at the nothingness dumbfounded for some time, still unable to believe what had happened before my very eyes, I walked out of the room and into the silent and empty hallway.

 _“It’s your damn fault your mother left, you insufferable little brat.”_ My father’s drunken yet spiteful words got me gasping for air before I could realize it. My left hand grabbed fiercely the fabric of my Greenpeace shirt that was above my heart as I felt it shrinking painfully.

I should have been accustomed to being used then shamelessly left behind by that point, but for once I had allowed myself to hope, to believe that Harleen wasn’t going to take advantage of me like the majority of people had done throughout the course of my life… But it seemed I had been wrong, _again_ . _“How foolish...”_ I thought as I grimaced bitterly. _“When will you learn, Pamela!?”_ I didn’t know if that was a thought of mine or one of my mother’s scoldings from when I was still a toddler, either seemed fit anyways. 

Everything around me was spinning around although I was unmoving, frozen from head to toe. My wounded and fragile trust had been violated yet again by someone I deemed trustworthy, by someone I had fallen head over heels for. _“_ **_Your damn fault_ ** _,”_ I recalled with my eyes fixed on the floor, unable to breath properly and steadily.

“Miss Isley, fancy meeting you here.” Upon hearing those words, the entire world froze as time halted abruptly. Sweat dripped from my chin, bile crawled its way up my throat slowly but firmly, and my heart beat rapidly and pumped adrenaline throughout my entire system. _“This has to be some sort of joke, this can’t be real, he cannot be actually he—,”_ my thoughts were cut short by a wide and strong hand grabbing my left shoulder. _“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck… I’m so fucking done for.”_

“Professor Woodrue,” I whispered, frightened by the sole idea of _him_ . Humming resonated behind me as the hand slid downwards all the way to my elbow whilst a body towered me. My heart beat so wildly that I was afraid it would break my ribcage all of a sudden. I tried to walk away, the adrenaline making my movement sharper than I had intended, but after the first step he tightened his grip and stopped me dead on my tracks, making me hiss. _“Damn, that’s going to leave a nasty bruise.”_

“Get away from me,” I whispered after some seconds, my heart throbbing in my throat. He pushed me back, towards where he was standing, as his other hand crept along my right leg. _“Not this again, please, anything but this.”_ I tried to shake him off, but my body barely even moved. “I said, get away from me!” My exclamation ended up being a pitiful, wavering whimper.

Woodrue chuckled, amusement dripping from his laughter. I could feel his eyes, rabid and hungry, all over my body and it was sickening me to no end. “Now, now, there’s no need for you to be so anxious, Miss Isley.” His voice was steady, but it had a threatening edge to it. I shook, and that made him chuckle even more.

“Hel—,” before I could ask for help, we were on a hallway full of dorms after all, he covered my mouth with the hand that had been wandering around my leg and waist as he twisted my elbow, placing it behind my back as a _“snap!”_ echoed the corridor. _“There goes my shoulder.”_ I thought, slightly dazed by the pain that ensued.

He turned us around and he whispered right into my left ear, “I believe we have some business left unfinished, don’t we? Since my lab is a bit away from here we’ll have to use your dorm, I hope that **dyke** you have for a girlfriend won’t mind.” The tears that were stinging my eyes when Harleen had told me she wanted to break up finally broke free from my eyes as I tried to get away from him in vain. 

_“She’s gone, she’s gone and won’t help you this time,”_ a distorted voice said within my psyche, and I sobbed into his palm. _“Harl, help me,_ **_please_ ** _…”_ I begged mentally, hoping that she would return to the hallway for whatever reason. 

_“Harleen won’t be back, they all leave for good and she’s not going to be any different,”_ the voice, now similar to my own, whispered as Woodrue forced me to walk towards the room, occasionally kneeing my legs from behind.

He eyed the place warily for some seconds, and when he noticed it was empty except for my belongings, I practically _heard_ his shit-eating grin. “Oh, Pam —I hope you don’t mind calling you like that,— has that little slut left you in order to sleep with other people?” His words hit too close to home, and he knew it by the way I flinched. He closed the door, and when I heard the lock I snapped.

“F-Fuck off,” I whispered into the palm of his hand, feeling his fingertips applying further strength against my jaw. I closed my eyes shut as I realized that he must have been watching since the moment Harleen had left the room. _“He woudn’t have brought me to my room if he hadn’t been sure about Harl’s whereabouts.”_

Seconds afterwards, I was thrown at my bed, officially becoming his cornered prey when I backed away an collided with the wall when he crawled across the mattress in my direction. Second to his avid breath on my face, the first thing I felt was his fist connecting with my right cheekbone. “That’s what you get for reporting me to the police, you bitch.” He snarled, kneeing my hipbone all of a sudden.

I could feel his hands all over me, his lips and teeth kissing and biting down, and I was utterly paralyzed as I was forced to revive the trauma that had shattered me inside out.

 _“Help, please…”_ I thought as I stared at the ceiling completely unmoving like the corpse I yearned to become right then and there.

_“Someone, save me, please.”_

* * *

“Pam, c’mon, wake up!”

My eyes snapped open as I gasped for air desperately. Woodrue wasn’t on top of me, nor did my left arm and my face hurt anymore. I was lying down on my bed, drenched in cold sweat and exhausted, but I felt safe.

I looked to my left and found Harleen sitting down on the edge of my bed, her expression one of deep concern, her eyes filled with tears despite the smile that appeared on her face when we locked eyes. Hesitantly, I poked one of her cheeks so as to make sure that she wasn’t some sort of illusion, and sighed when I was completely sure of her auticity. 

My hand went back to the mattress but I kept staring at her with watery eyes. _“Harleen is here. She’s actually here, sitting by my side on the edge of my bed.”_

A sigh tore through her lips as she placed one trembling hand over her heart, her baby blue eyes never leaving my green ones. “I’m so glad you’re awake.” I frowned at that and shifted slightly as I attempted to sit down.

 _“‘So glad you’re awake’? Does that mean that_ **_all that_ ** _has been nothing but a dream?”_ As I pondered, I felt one of Harleen’s petite and cold hands on my forehead, and I found myself recoiling before I could even think about how nice the contrast between her cool skin and my hot flesh had felt.

Stuttering, I lowered my head in slight shame. “H-Harls, I’m—.”

“No, don’t,” Harleen interrupted me softly, prompting me to rise my head again. “I’m the one who’s sorry, I should have asked you if you were okay with being touched before placing my hand over your forehead.”

We stayed like that, in complete silence, for a couple of minutes until I shifted closer to her and hid my face on the base of her neck. “It seems that your fever isn’t gone yet, Red,” Harleen whispered as she ran her fingertips all the way down my spine slowly and gently.

_“Oh, yeah, I went to sleep earlier than usual because I had a killer fever. I suppose that is why the nightmare, delirium apparently, felt so real.”_

“You were whimpering and gasping for air as you twisted around,” she explained as I calmed down, breathing in her comforting scent. “After a bit you kicked the blankets off of the bed, so yeah… Remind me not to upset you.”

We both chuckled at her innocent joke, and I smiled as I heard her giggles, so soft and innocent unlike the ones I had heard in my nightmare. I clung to her tightly for dear life as if she was going to disappear on me if I didn’t hug her right there and there.

Harleen remained quiet, waiting for me to be comfortable enough to tell her what I had dreamed about. _“Our little ritual…”_ I thought fondly, inhaling as much as my tired lungs allowed me to.

“I… In my dream you broke up with me, claiming that you were still in love with Jay and that nothing would be able to change that.” I began, grimacing at the bitter memory. Harleen stiffened, but didn’t say a single thing. “I was overtaken by fear and disbelief, and I soon recalled my mother telling me that nobody would want me nearby because of my obnoxious shenanigans as I tried to step closer to you. You just looked harshly at me, grabbed your stuff while I was mentally imploring you to stay, and left.”

I laughed mirthlessly before sighing, nuzzling Harleen’s skin with my forehead as she placed her free hand over mine.

“After a bit I walked out of the dorm as well only to walk into an empty and silent hallway… My father used to say that the fact that my mother left us when I was still young was my fault and, I don’t know, I also recalled that… Maybe because the situation itself had triggered those memories. Either way, it was enough to cloud my reasoning and made me believe that you breaking up and leaving me was my fault. It seems that all the years I’ve been experienced that have taken their toll on me.”

I bit my lower lip down, feeling myself grow nervous as I remembered what followed next in the nightmare. Harleen seemed to notice, be it for how my body had tensed up or by the way I was breathing anxiously, and she didn’t waste any time to reassure me once more.

“It’s okay, Dandelioness, you’re safe, you’re home now. Remember: breathe in, hold it, breathe out,” Harleen herself began doing what she had just told me to do, and I immediately began mimicking her until I had relaxed somewhat. “That’s it, sweetheart, you’re doing great,” she whispered after some seconds, giving my hand a small squeeze.

“Thank you,” I replied with a little smile, which she mirrored in the blink of an eye after nodding shortly.

“I heard him, Harl. I heard Woodrue’s voice behind me.” I whispered as I stared at her, noticing how her features sharpened. “I thought it must have been some sort of sick joke, that it wasn’t real, but he placed one of his hands, which shape I will **never** be able to forget, on my left shoulder and I knew how screwed I was.” 

Harleen was taken aback by my swearing, since I wasn’t prone to spoke in such way at all, and I didn’t blame her: I swore like a truck driver when I was in nerve-wracking situations. Intertwining our fingers was enough to make her snap back to reality.

“When I tried to walk away he grabbed my elbow with such strength I believed it was going to bruise nastily. I told him to get away from me but instead, he pushed me back to where he was standing and crept his other hand along my leg, then said that there was some “unfinished business between us” before covering my mouth and twisting my left arm behind my back.” After some seconds, I added with a grimace, “it hurt like a bitch”.

She nodded in understanding. Jay, her abusive ex-boyfriend, had given her a fair share of torture over the years they had been together, and she definitely knew how painful it was to have one arm twisted and placing it behind the back. 

“Then, he called you a-a dyke, saying that he hoped you didn’t mind us being there, as he made me walk into the dorm, knowing well that you weren’t there since he had been watching the whole time… He mocked me and asked me if you had left me so that you could sleep with other people not without calling you a slut.” I was trembling by that point, but I didn’t care. “You’re none of those things, Harls, I promise I don’t think that of you.”

Harleen sighed and shook her head. “I know, Dandelioness, I know.”

“W-Well, after that he, umm, threw me at my bed and cornered me there only to punch me as a way of getting revenge for reporting him to the police.” I closed my eyes shut. “After that, I felt as if I was back at his lab and I was so, _so_ disgusted. I was begging for you to help me, for anyone _at all_ to come save me, as I felt him t-touch me like he did in the laboratory… I managed to wake up after that, because of you, _thanks to you_.”

“Deep breaths, Red,” she reminded me before I could notice how raggedly I was actually breathing. We ended up repeating the whole breathing exercises from before. “Perfect,” she whispered before kissing my forehead, “now listen to me, okay?”

I sighed as I nodded, feeling like I had lifted a weight off my shoulders.

“There’s no way I’m going back to Jay, not when I have gotten over him completely after years of fooling myself into believing that he was the one I was meant to be while I had you right in front of me. I know that you have issues… Regardin’ trust an’ abandonment because all the stuff you’ve endured throughout your life, but when I say that I’m here to stay, I mean it.”

“You promise?” I asked, hating myself for how needy and untrustful I sounded.

Harleen kissed my forehead again and hummed. “Cross my heart an’ hope to die.” I chose to believe her once more, ignoring the rational side of my brain that was practically yelling at me _“she’s going to be your doom, Pamela!”_

“And about that asshat, I can’t blame you for having nightmares with him since he put you through Hell and back, but he’s locked in Arkham and he’s not going to hurt you anymore. He ain’t even getting probation, so he’s not going to get out of the asylum before he’s supposed to. You’re safe now, Pammy.”

Her smile was so bright and sincere that I gave in immediately. She was right after all, and we both knew that Woodrue was going to be locked away for a long period of time.

“Now, let’s go back to sleep, okay? Your fever won’t go away if you don’t get enough rest,” she said softly as she lay me down gently. I smiled and rolled over to one of my sides, soon feeling her positioning herself behind me, one of her arms carefully surrounding myself. “I’m not goin’ anywhere, don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe.”

“Thank you, Harls,” I muttered, throat thick and voice heavy with fondness.

“Anything for you, Pammy.”


End file.
